the Truth

the truth is just that i'm not who you think i am.  i am the pretender.  i pretend that nothing has happened around me.  i'm just running away from my problem. i'm not the hero nor the villain in my own story.  i am the spectator.  i don't have the guts to face my problem thoroughfully.  i always wait and pray that this all would change. well i'm wrong.  you only change yourself if you had the will and action to change yourself not just by depending on fate.  so please somebody help me.

so here's the story.  a lot has happen to me now.  and i have to endure it all.  it's like a divine test for me. to see how worthy i am.  and i don't mean no offense to any person who read this blog.  so here goes nothing.

i once had a crush on a girl that's younger than me.  I felt like she's gonna be "the one" for me.  i kept chasing her as so she would fall for me.  i thought by that time that she finally has a feeling for me.  but busy has become a life for her.  with all her task and her assignment, we could only met for a few minutes in a day.  and i realize that i will treasure every second with her as it's really precious for me.

i kept hiding this feeling to her coz i assume that she knew how i felt about her with all the things that i've done to her.  and i don't want anything to change about our friendship.  but a tragedy has befallen us.  i confess to her in a situation that i don't want to confess yet.  i know by that time after i confess to her everything will change. and it is.  i regret confessing by that time coz its not the time yet.  and it was my first confession.  my first confession that i've been saving all this time to say it to "the one" that will become my wife.

and so as i predicted before, she rejected me.  well i can't say if it was a rejection coz i never ask her to be my girlfriend or anything.  well the point is now i have to keep a distance with her.  and i keep talkin to myself "come on there's a lot of girls out there, surely you can have someone replace her".  but after all this time, there's no one who can replace her whatsoever.  and to be honest its really darn annoying to have someone stuck on your mind everytime.  well its really my fault coz my feeling hasn't changed toward her even now.

right now to be honest i need her to hate me. even ignore me.  i need her anger to make me forget about her.  i can't meet her evrytime and pretend nothing has happened between us before.  i even dreamt that we were sitting by each other and i ask her "please give me someone to replace you..." and at that dream she answered me just by smiling back at me.  man i don't even know what that means... well the point is i need my mind to be sharp and focus again.

haaah i'm so glad after writing this post.  i really don't care right now if anyone knows about my story. coz this is my blog and its in my power to use it how i want it to. so aree in and out. CIAO!

half-breed

jadi gini ceritanya, kemaren kan gw ke kampus gitu.  trus gw ngobrol ama temen2 gw yang masih rada2 "chinese".  kita ngomongin marga gitu. jadi temen gw satu marganya xi atau apa gitu, temen gw yang lain marganya tan kalo ga salah.  trus temen gw nanyain ke gw "dhi kalo lo marga lo apaan? lo juga pasti punya marga kan?" yaelah dalem hati gw bertanya2 apa iya gw sechinese itu mukanya.  padahal kan gw item2 gini...  kalopun emang ada keturunan itu kan udah lebih dari seabad yang lalu....

tapi heran juga gw. kenapa dari smp, sma, kuliah ampe temen2 kosan gw pada bilang gw mirip orang chinese? yah emang sih sepupu2 gw dari keluarga nyokap gw bahkan lebih chinese daripada gw mukanya. ini gak tau berkah atau bukan...

tapi kalo gw pikir lagi rata2 orang sunda yang mukanya mirip2 chinese. temen gw di kampus gitu, trus ada juga temen kosan gw juga sama walopun dia masih stengah jawa stengah sunda juga sih. pas ketemu kakak2nya busyeeet sipit2 man walopun agak2 item. yah temen gw itu sendiri juga agak2 sipit juga sih.  katanya sih emang dari keluarga neneknya masih keluarga sunda2 cina gitu...

gw suka penasaran kalo half-breed kaya gw dan temen2 gw yg senasib sepenanggungan kaya gw gini digabung apakah hasilnya keturunannya bakal jadi full breed chinese?  kalo emang jadi seru tuh. gw mo bikin marga "wang" biar pada kaya2. kan "wang" deket2 ama "uang"....hwahahahah logika yang aneh...

Stuck on Your Head

musiknya Zeke and the Popo "mighty love" nyangkut di otak gw.  its like a memory that you cannot erase even if you try really hard. tapi perasaan gw nih lagu lama deh.....or maybe not.

Talking won't get you nowhere, but your feet would

haaaa koq gw jadi orang gampang banget boseeeennnn yaaaa! mo nyusun skripsi baru 15 menit udah bosen langsung baca komik... tapi gw akuin komik tuh skrg jadi penambah semangat gw disela2 kesibukan tiada batas gw akhir2 ini.  skrg gw lagi baca nodame cantebile. kereeennn tuh komik. gw seneng ama tokoh nodamenya.  jenius musik, punya pendengaran tajam, jago main piano tapi ga bisa baca partitur...  Udah gitu orangnya dekil, jarang mandi, kamarnya berantakan, trus kerjaannya ngerjain si Chiaki.  paling lucu pas dia pake kostum Mongoose trus mainin pianika di antara orkestra grup S..^-^'.  hah jadi pengen belajar piano. gw juga main gitar kaga bisa seumur2 baca not balok... pusing. Main musik tuh yang penting feelnya harus dapet. (seolah2 jago gini gw....).  harusnya gw kuliah di bidang musik atau seni kali ya, bukan di engineering.  masa kemaren gw mainin game brain apa gitu di hape temen gw, hasilnya logic gw rendah banget seehh.  itu kan bukti kalo sbenernya gw gak berbakat engineering....

oya kemaren juga gw baca komik train man alias densha otoko.  katanya sih kisah nyata. tentang otaku gila figur2 mainan yg gak pernah deket ama cewe sebelumnya eh tapi bisa pacaran ama cewe super normal kaya raya.  yah kalo gw bilang Tuhan itu adil. yang aneh dipasangin ama yang gak aneh.... hah coba nasib gw kaya dia.  tiba2 aja gitu ketemu jodoh gw di persimpangan jalan trus langsung nikah.. hwahahaha impossible. tapi ortunya temen gw ternyata ada yg gitu. masa bokap ma nyokapnya pertama kali ketemu pas sama2 nunggu angkot gitu... padahal sebelumnya mereka itu perfect stranger.  jadi inget cerita orang inggris yang dia nemuin calon istrinya gara2 dia mimpi tentang no telepon.  trus pas udah bangun dari mimpinya, dia telepon aja tuh nomor yang dia mimpikan. eh nyambunglah ke cewe yang sebelumnya pun dia gak pernah ketemu. eh beberapa bulan kemudian mereka nikah............

okay enough talk about love story. udah mumet gw mikirin yg bgituan sekarang. back to basic, ngerjain skripsi, tugas2 kuliah en job di lab. haaaaa tapi tetep males gw.  gw butuh penyemangat hidup. huu gw iri dengan kembaranku. dia tinggal nunggu pangerannya pulang dari kairo trus langsung deh punya anak (lho?)...

haaa gw jadi pengen adventuring lagi.  kaya pas di singapore dimana gw keliling2 tuh kota sendirian cuman berbekal botol pokka green tea dan selembar peta singapore tanpa uang sereceh pun.  malam2 pula lagi. tapi serunya itu loh dimana gw hampir ditabrak mobil, ketemu ama preman2 india malem2, hampir mo nebeng pengendara sepeda gara2 gw kecapekan,  jalan dari hotel gw ke merlion, robinson road, pokoknya setengah kota gw jabanin tanpa naik kendaraan satu pun (abis gak ada duit...). gw udah kaya yang stranded aja disana hehe.

wah panjang juga blog gw skrg... kenapa kalo bikin latar belakang skripsi gw gak sepanjang ini yaa??? huaaaa aku menyesal telah blogging. udah ah Aree in and out. See ya Hasta La vista Baby. sayonara Ciao!

The Long Journey Ahead..

Dear God, I'm so tired.  Bayangin gw udah ganti topik skripsi 3 kali sekarang. 2 diantaranya dalam 1 hari dong!!! udah gw keliling2 muter2in bandung ga jelas buat survei eh topiknya ganti. eh FYI ya, gw baru tau kalo ternyata harga kayu mahal.  bayangin kayu meranti aja per meter kubiknya harganya sampai idr 3 JUTA!!! that's crazy man... and i need at least 3 block of 'em which mean 3 meter cubic!!! where am i gonna find the money??? by planting the money in the ground and wait for 'em to grow??? hah! klo temen gw bilang sih, "udah aja ri duitnya lo kasih ke dosen pembimbing lo aja trus minta dibuatin ama dia deh trus minta aja nilai A langsung..."

huu mana deadline seminar judul tgl 11 oktober lagi... klo gini gw mana bisa wisuda bulan maret... paling bulan juli baru lulus.  Dear God what are You planning for me? I always pray to You to make my skripsi going on smoothly but now its killing me... yah udah deh pasrah gw ma yang di Atas.  The result is in God's hand, we can only do our best and pray...

tapi kalo gw bilang hidup adalah ujian dan cobaan.  We can only get what we want by enduring the test that's given by Alloh.  kadang2 kita ampe putus asa diuji sedemikian rupa sampai rasanya mustahil to get what you want.  kita udah berusaha keras banget tapi slalu ada rintangan tantangan membentang.  dengan usaha kita kadang2 malah kita bisa disuka oleh sebagian orang dan dibenci oleh sebagian lainnya.  kita gak bisa berharap smua akan senang dengan usaha yang kita lakukan. but at least we try right? better than doing nothing.  Haaaa gw ngomongin apa sih pagi2 bgindang... terlalu banyak hal berkecamuk dalam pikiran gw sekarang.

oya crita2 tentang temen SMP gw ah.  jadi gw kemaren buka bareng ma temen2 SMP gw trus gw ketemu temen gw yang bahkan gw terakhir ketemu tuh pas lulus SMP.  namanya Joepal nama aslinya Tukiyem nama aliasnya Sukma...  gile skrg si mbak udah pake jilbab.  jadi gimana gitu ngeliatnya. mirip ibu2 arisan hehe. ngga deng jadi lebih bercahaya dan berwibawa... ah crita tentang SMP ntar2 aja. terlalu panjang bwat dijabarkan.  So Aree in and out. Bye Bye.

You are the director in your own life.

haaaah lama ga ngeblog. 3 minggu ga OL sih. abis akhir2 ini jadi parah ksibukan gw. hooooh!
skripsi pusing 7 keliling, tugas kuliah numpuk, peran sbg leader of the young jokam klompok merepotkan, magang di kampus ngetes2 tanah melelahkan, eh tapi gw msh tetep bisa nonton film. jadi kemaren ntu gw nonton wall-e, babylon AD di 21, trus nonton wanted, heroes and villains, once di dvd. trus nonton serendipity, evangelion remake, ama prison break di komputer. yah sebenernya sih gw udah nonton serendipity jaman SMA dulu. tapi dasar gw dodol, gw lupa kalo gw pernah nonton film itu. jadi intinya gw inget banget cerita tuh film tapi gw lupa judulnya berhubung waktu itu nontonnya di salah satu stasiun TV swasta kita. eh baru tau judulnya serendipity pas gw dapet tuh film dari temen gw en gw tonton lagi. makanya pas nonton koq kaya ada perasaan deja vu nonton tuh film...
trus film yg lumayan berkesan juga film ONCE. tuh film musikal paling alami yg pernah gw tonton. ceritanya tentang pengamen jalanan di skotlandia gitu yg berusaha bisa rekaman. dan jalan ceritanya tuh alamiah banget yang maksud gw smua orang bisa ngalamin. beda emang klo film buat festival ama film biasa2 aja.
wall-e juga keren tuh. intinya tuh film cuman bahkan robot pun butuh kasih sayang... wuih bahasanya.. yg lucu pas adegan dimana2 orang2 pada gendut sampe gak bisa jalan... kasihan banget.
paling gak rame film Babylon AD... butut banget. gw kasih minus 4 star buat tuh film deh. bener deh udah ceritanya gak jelas, tamatnya ga puguh, cuman nampilin si vin diesel doang, pokokna bener2 gak mutu deh...
hah koq gw sempet2nya cerita2 tntg film gini sih... padahal bisa2 gw wisuda telat lagi nih... huuu. curhat ah. jadi gini di umur 22 ini gw pengen 1. lulus kuliah dengan IP 3,3 2. dapet beasiswa MBA di Wharton 3. jadi entrepeneur muda 4. jalan2 keliling dunia dalam 80 hari 5. get married dengan siapapun dia pilihan Alloh biar hidup gw lebih barokah. AMIIIINNNN!